we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Randomize
