u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
