the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize