you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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