True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
sarcasm needs its own font
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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