It was confusing and full of hummus
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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