I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
You are the jesus of drinking
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
