dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
