craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
