Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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