first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I have fence marks all over my body
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
