Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
