I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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