Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
