I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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