Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
