i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
