Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
