thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I forget how to act sober
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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