I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
