rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
