Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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