I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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