I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
