You just made me feel so damn special
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I've blown a few things in my day
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Randomize
