Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
