Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
