Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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