hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
