Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
