a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
