I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Swine flu is the new snow day.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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