I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
