Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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