It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
