when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
