Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
