dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
There are leaves in my underwear?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
