that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
