Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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