i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
