Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
