I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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