sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
