just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
