i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
