And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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