Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
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