I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
