I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
