My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i barfeds in our rink
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
