I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
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