Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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