I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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