I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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