how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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