Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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