I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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