The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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