Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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