tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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